SINCE LEA CALLOUSLY IGNORED MY REQUEST, I’M GONNA WRITE MY OWN FIC.
Stiles opens with, “Finstock says you lose 24 calories each time you jerk off. I burned 48 calories before I got to second period!”
"72," says Derek casually.
"You? Three times? It’s not a competition but now that you’ve made it one—"
"Put that back in your pants.”
Stiles begrudgingly zips up and throws himself onto the couch beside Derek.
"But what if…"
"Hear me out. What if I jerk you off. Do we each lose 24 calories? Do you lose any for being a recipient? Bystander effect?”
"That’s not what bystander effect means."
"Really? I’m offering to get you off for the sake of keeping fit and getting active, and you’re stuck on psyc vocab?"
"You’re skinny and defenseless because jerking off is your definition of keeping fit and getting active."
"You know what? I don’t even want to jerk you off anymore. Lose your own calories."
"If you could do a proper push-up, you’ll lose more than 24 calories."
"Are you saying we should see who can lose 24 calories faster? I bet I can come before you’re done one set of push-ups."
"What? Fine, let’s see you do ten push-ups. If I come before you’re done, then I’m right."
"That doesn’t even make sense but I love it. Whip it out big boy."